How can parenting be so wonderful, fantastic, uplifting, rewarding, fun, awe-inspiring, exhilarating….and at the same time so depressing, challenging, crushing, heart-wrenching, overwhelming and difficult?

It’s a big and extremely important job, and one where we need all the help we can get. Whether that help comes from family and friends, child health professionals, books or even websites such as Rewardingkids.com, it all counts, right? If we can get it right (or mostly right), I believe we give our children every opportunity to become well-adjusted, valuable members of society.

I’ve told plenty of people before that parenting is the one of the most important responsibilities one can have, and have more than once been told to not be so “over-dramatic”. But think about it, our children grow up to become leaders, workers, teachers, innovators, healers, scientists, parents…and custodians of our planet and our future. And after them, their children. It sounds dramatic but it is how it is. Thinking along these lines can really bring home the importance of good and positive parenting.

Being a better parent starts with the desire to be a better parent. Then follows structure and strategy. I hope you find something of value throughout this website. Good luck.

By buying into your child’s bad behavior, you are providing them with leverage for the next time they want something. At this point your child has your measure, and they know exactly the buttons to push that give them the results they want.

It’s useful to think of bribing children as essentially rewarding them for something they haven’t yet delivered. When comparing it to the adult world, it’s like an employer paying an employee to carry out work that they “might” do.

Examples of Bribing Children

• Mom and child at the supermarket, grocery shopping. Kid wants a treat, Mom says “no.” Kid starts crying/shouting/demanding. Mom responds “if I give you the treat will you be quiet?” – Kid gets treat.
• Child wants an ice-cream before dinner. Dad says “after dinner.” Child doesn’t accept this and demands the ice-cream “now”. Dad wants to finish cooking so he says “do you promise to eat your dinner if I give you an ice-cream?” – Kid gets ice-cream.
• Kid refuses to do chores unless he can play Play Station first. Parents relent and let him play Playstation hoping the chores will be finished later.

On the other hand, rewarding children (positive reinforcement) should be based on your child being rewarded AFTER they have met their obligations. You’re not “buying” behavior, but rather you are rewarding them for the behavior they have already delivered.

This is healthy for kid’s on many levels, but importantly it gives them the opportunity to learn a very valuable life-lesson. Delayed gratification!

Examples of Positively Rewarding Children

• “If you get ready for bed in the next five minutes, you can have an extra ten minutes of story-time.”
• “After you clean up your room, you can watch TV.”
• “Help me clean up the dinner plates, and you can choose what we’ll have for dinner tomorrow night.”
• And the all-time classic, often called “Grandma’s Rule” – “After you eat your dinner, you can have your dessert.”

Here are some tips for praising children which may be useful:

• Most importantly avoid the opposite of praise – criticism. Criticism, particularly hurtful criticism, is no help to your child and damages your relationship.

• Try to praise the behavior, not the child – children tend to think in definite terms rather than abstract, so a child might readily think of themselves as “good” or “bad” depending on whether they have behaved well or behaved poorly. This can contribute to lowering a child’s self-esteem

• Praise is very rewarding in itself and can be a valuable behavior shaping tool.

• When praising children try to make it specific – it shows that you are taking notice.

• Children need praise and it is very important to acknowledge a child’s efforts, but try not to overdo it. You don’t want your child seeking your approval and applause for every little thing they do.

• Praise genuinely – praising children can lose its power if you constantly shower acclaim on usual and expected behavior.

• If you overdo praise, or gush over every small thing, or make up fake kudos, your child will see through them and may start to question even genuine praise.

• Sometimes it may be more appropriate to simply use acknowledgment such as a wink, a smile, eye-contact, a nod etc – it is more of a dispassionate praise that can help shape how a child pleases themselves rather than perform for approval.

• If you are praising children genuinely and appropriately you will avoid “over praising”, remembering that you don’t want to raise praise “junkies”.

• Whenever you can, try to turn the praise back toward your child. For example rather than saying you’re proud of her (which is perfectly fine), you might say “I bet you’re proud of yourself”. This can help develop you child’s internal motivations.

• Be “present” for your child when praising children. Get down on their level and make eye-contact.

• Give praise immediately after good behavior.

• Take notice – there are many genuinely praiseworthy moments in our child’s life that we simply miss.

• Most importantly avoid the opposite of praise – criticism. The power of praising children can easily be undone by the power of criticism.

Sure there will be plenty of difficult moments, but when we choose to parent with love, respect, positive reinforcement, and yes, positive discipline, we can help guide our children in their choices and their patterns of behavior. Parenting should never be about making kids feel bad about themselves, but rather about allowing our kids to do good…to do right…to make mistakes without fear of ridicule or retribution…and to feel good about themselves and the choices they make.

The base concept of positive parenting

• Children will ultimately respond better to positive consequences.
• Behavior is either strengthened or weakened by it’s consequences.

Having an understanding of these proven and measurable behavioral principles allows parents to shape behavior positively, to encourage better behavior and choices, and to lessen inappropriate behavior.

Isn’t positive parenting just a cliché?

No. It’s a very real parenting choice we make that can better our children, improve their outlook and behavior, enhance our relationships with our children, and can make us feel better and more confident in our role as parents. And remember, positive parenting isn’t about raising perfect children – that just won’t happen. I like to think about it as percolating our kids in a nurturing and supportive environment, to raise good kids to become good adults.

There are many principles, strategies and tools to help guide us in our positive parenting endeavors, many of which can be found throughout this website. The concepts are simple, the practice quickly becomes natural, and the benefits for you and your children can be amazing. All that is required is the desire to be a better parent, and the consistency to make it work.