Recently I received a very insightful email from one of my subscribers in response to an email that I’d sent which mentioned “taking away” rewards from children who contravene the agreements made when establishing behavior contracts. The paraphrased version of the email sent to me by this subscriber, let’s call her Ms X (Hello Ms X!), went something like this:

“I understand that the best practice when using behavior contracts and other such positive reinforcement programs dictates that rewards are NOT taken away from a child… doing so can discourage the child and make them feel frustrated…” And Ms X also specifically states “Poor behavior generally makes the achievement of agreed goals more difficult anyway, and maintaining a commitment to positive parenting means children need to be reminded and encouraged that they can do better…”

My response to Ms X was as follows:

“Hi (MS X)

Thank you so much for your email… I really appreciate the feedback!

Yes I completely agree with everything you say, and in most situations these are the ideals I would encourage whenever implementing a reward plan, particularly with younger children.

I’ve found that, good or bad, some parents like a little more control over how a reward plan should run its course, and using behavior contracts or a token economy system, gives them the flexibility to alter the requirements of the plan, before reaching the point of the reward (or goal). So if one night their child reneges on their agreed task or agreement (feeding the dog, completing 1 hr of homework, putting their dirty clothes in the wash basket, not yelling to make their point, not swearing, helping with the dishes, etc etc) then they either lose a set number of “tokens”, or they simply don’t receive whatever incentive item (sticker, token, points, etc) that gets them closer to their end-goal, or reward. If the next day they follow through on their agreement, then the opportunity is there to really heap praise out them, “I know after last night it must have been especially difficult to get back on board, you’ve done fantastically well tonight, I think you deserve extra tokens (or points)”

So in many ways this approach isn’t so much taking away an earned reward, it’s more about making the final reward harder to earn because the child is required to “follow” the agreement of the contract, or whatever reward plan is in place. This also can give the child more of a sense of “control” over the plan, and that they are actively involved in the outcome, and it’s not all reliant on the arbitrary judgments and rulings of Mum and Dad. And it can make the end-goal or reward that much sweeter. Of course whatever final reward they receive or reward item that they “purchase” with their accumulated points or tokens, should be considered sacrosanct.. I one-hundred percent agree with you…

My feeling are that these more fluid and pliant reward plans are more suited to older children and require a comprehensive up-front discussion about how it will work, and what’s expected from the child as well as from the parents. If everyone is clear about the goals and requirements of the plan (ie you can gain points, you can lose points, while on the path to the whatever end-goal has been established) then it’s more likely that everyone will “stay-the-path.” I’ve found that one way to maintain the motivation and reduce the overwhelm in the face of lost points or tokens, is to set a limit on what can be taken away (for example no more than 5 points can be taken away at any one time.) Often this can have the effect of being an unintended motivation, as in “I’ve only lost 5 points, I can easily make that back and more tomorrow.”

Also, these types of reward plans will not work for all children, and parents need to match the plan with their child’s age, developmental level, and personality. Surprisingly, sometimes defiant or oppositional children can really jump on board with these type of reward plans because they feel less “controlled”, and more “in control” of the workings of the plan. Perhaps it helps them to feel more like the “Master of their own destiny” beyond the overwhelm and difficulties of other aspects of their life…

I also believe that taking away tokens or points for unacceptable behaviors can completely adhere to a positive parenting framework, as long as it’s done not in the way of punishment, but in terms of the behavior “contravening” the rules of the contract or reward plan. In this spirit, the parents become the “guardian” (sorry, couldn’t think of a better word ) of the contract, but not the arbiter of what’s right and wrong… the elements of the contract (already discussed and agreed to) serves this role. I do realize that some parents are more enlightened than others, and some find it hard to see beyond the routine of punishment.

And it’s also true that many parents are uncomfortable with this aspect of these particular types of reward plans, but the truth is that the loss of points for “unacceptable behaviors” part of the plan can be bypassed. Just earning points or tokens for good behavior, good actions, thoughtfulness etc, and cashing them in for earned rewards is also fantastic.

In fact the way I use my token economy system with my children, is completely unstructured. I only use the tokens for “catching” them being good…or kind…or sharing…or polite…or thoughtful…and so on, and I don’t take them away (only when they “buy” a reward activity or item.) I find this method of encouraging good behaviors with my children, is a great fit for me and for my kids.

Sorry for the long reply. I didn’t plan on it, but your thought provoking comments (which I greatly appreciate and respect) really got me thinking… Thank you!

Kind Regards

Blaine”

Ms X works as a professional in the childhood field and her feedback was most welcome. It also gave me a chance to address this question to the wider readership of this website.

Now as you can tell by my response I believe that there are many shades and nuances involved in positive discipline within a positive parenting framework, and the reward plans and programs involving older or more “sophisticated” kids can operate effectively outside of the more “black and white” structures of the reward plans involving younger children…

Of course any feedback is most welcome, and I can be personally contacted through my Contact Page link.

Who said parenting was meant to be easy…It isn’t! Truth is parenting can be hard, challenging, heart wrenching, difficult, demoralizing, overwhelming and tiring…… But also wonderful, heart warming, joyous, awe-inspiring, satisfying and enlightening. The art of positive parenting is to foster a positive family environment where we spend more time feeling buoyant rather than demoralized, and where we can empower our children to be self-sufficient, independent and responsible. Why not tip the family balance toward wonderful and satisfying and away from difficult and demoralizing.

Sure there will be plenty of difficult moments, but when we choose to parent with love, respect, positive reinforcement, and yes, positive discipline, we can help guide our children in their choices and their patterns of behavior. Parenting should never be about making kids feel bad about themselves, but rather about allowing our kids to do good…to do right…to make mistakes without fear of ridicule or retribution…and to feel good about themselves and the choices they make.

The base concept of positive parenting

• Children will ultimately respond better to positive consequences.
• Behavior is either strengthened or weakened by it’s consequences.

Having an understanding of these proven and measurable behavioral principles allows parents to shape behavior positively, to encourage better behavior and choices, and to lessen inappropriate behavior.

Isn’t positive parenting just a cliché?

No. It’s a very real parenting choice we make that can better our children, improve their outlook and behavior, enhance our relationships with our children, and can make us feel better and more confident in our role as parents. And remember, positive parenting isn’t about raising perfect children – that just won’t happen. I like to think about it as percolating our kids in a nurturing and supportive environment, to raise good kids to become good adults.

There are many principles, strategies and tools to help guide us in our positive parenting endeavors, many of which can be found throughout this website. The concepts are simple, the practice quickly becomes natural, and the benefits for you and your children can be amazing. All that is required is the desire to be a better parent, and the consistency to make it work.

Many parents (me included) fall into the habit of noticing our child’s bad behavior long before noticing their good behavior. It’s understandable…it’s probably how our parents dealt with us, and to be perfectly honest it’s the bad behavior that really pushes our buttons. It’s almost as if parents are programed to home in on bad behavior.

Maybe there’s a better way. Maybe it requires a paradigm shift in the way our parenting brain functions. What if, to change bad behavior, we don’t take notice of it? Taking the argument one step further, what if to change bad behavior, we notice the good behavior?

If we can challenge ourselves as parents, to change this up (in other words to notice the good behavior, and ease up on noticing the bad behavior), we may just find ourselves amazed at the regularity of the good behaviors and actions that our kids show.

How do we notice these good behaviors?

• The obvious first. Simply spend more time watching your kids.This doesn’t mean that we need to sit and watch our kids for hours on end, but taking time out to observe your kids doing what kids do, can give us some great insights into how our children occupy themselves and how they interact with others. This in turn can give us some great opportunities to really focus on the positive behaviors that our children exhibit.

• Be prepared to let bad behavior slide.Now this is a real challenge to most parents, but try to surrender your impulse to pick your kid up on every bad, inappropriate, or contrary behavior. This is not to say that you should completely ignore highly offensive or even dangerous behavior, but give your kids the space to turn around their behavior, and make their “wrong”…”right”

• Motivate yourself.Find the motivation to look for the good behaviors. Set yourself a goal of recognizing and acknowledging a certain number of good actions your child takes part in, or good deeds they do, or kind words they say. If finding the right motivation in times of struggle is proving difficult, offer yourself a reward. A favorite ice-cream at the end of the day can work wonders. You may even be unexpectedly charmed by the behaviors your child exhibits which can often be rewarding in and of itself.

Being a parent requires that we should notice the bad, inappropriate, or even dangerous behaviors in our children. Let’s face it that’s our job, and it fuels the responsibility we have to guide our children. But while it can be exceedingly easy to highlight bad behavior, it can also be exceedingly easy the ignore the good behavior.

Why?…Because bad behavior is inherently more noticeable. It’s usually louder, more brass, ruder, cruder, more problematic, and definitely more disruptive. On the other hand good behavior can all too often slip by unnoticed. It may be politeness, spontaneous acts of kindness, sharing in quiet times of play, showing respect for another’s property, a kind word to a friend, or some other act of thoughtfulness. Often these are quiet, almost introspective acts, and can very easily slip away unrecognized.

It’s in these moments that we can truly connect with our kids, and offer them a differently delivered guidance, but guidance nonetheless.

The way that I see it is that we need to be balanced in how we respond to our kids. If we so easily admonish a child for speaking badly, then we should make every effort to acknowledge them for speaking kindly.

I once read (and I think I have remembered correctly) that it takes seven positive comments to a child, to counteract one bad or critical comment. With this in mind it would seem more important then ever to notice the good behaviors in our children. It’s an extremely powerful action we can take as parents, and the results in terms of less bad behavior, more positive behavior, and greater levels of self-esteem in our children can be stunning.

Because the use of our reward charts within a positive reinforcement framework requires praising children constantly and frequently, it is important to consider the quality and appropriateness of the praise given.

Here are some tips for praising children which may be useful:

• Most importantly avoid the opposite of praise – criticism. Criticism, particularly hurtful criticism, is no help to your child and damages your relationship.

• Try to praise the behavior, not the child – children tend to think in definite terms rather than abstract, so a child might readily think of themselves as “good” or “bad” depending on whether they have behaved well or behaved poorly. This can contribute to lowering a child’s self-esteem

• Praise is very rewarding in itself and can be a valuable behavior shaping tool.

• When praising children try to make it specific – it shows that you are taking notice.

• Children need praise and it is very important to acknowledge a child’s efforts, but try not to overdo it. You don’t want your child seeking your approval and applause for every little thing they do.

• Praise genuinely – praising children can lose its power if you constantly shower acclaim on usual and expected behavior.

• If you overdo praise, or gush over every small thing, or make up fake kudos, your child will see through them and may start to question even genuine praise.

• Sometimes it may be more appropriate to simply use acknowledgment such as a wink, a smile, eye-contact, a nod etc – it is more of a dispassionate praise that can help shape how a child pleases themselves rather than perform for approval.

• If you are praising children genuinely and appropriately you will avoid “over praising”, remembering that you don’t want to raise praise “junkies”.

• Whenever you can, try to turn the praise back toward your child. For example rather than saying you’re proud of her (which is perfectly fine), you might say “I bet you’re proud of yourself”. This can help develop you child’s internal motivations.

• Be “present” for your child when praising children. Get down on their level and make eye-contact.

• Give praise immediately after good behavior.

• Take notice – there are many genuinely praiseworthy moments in our child’s life that we simply miss.

• Most importantly avoid the opposite of praise – criticism. The power of praising children can easily be undone by the power of criticism.