One of the most accurate things that I’ve ever heard anyone say about parenting is that it is “one huge, incredible roller-coaster!” It really is such an up and down, day-to-day existence that is influenced by everything from TV and popular culture, through to peers and friends, through to financial, health and economic situations. Lets not make any bones about it, parenting is difficult….and incredible.

How can parenting be so wonderful, fantastic, uplifting, rewarding, fun, awe-inspiring, exhilarating….and at the same time so depressing, challenging, crushing, heart-wrenching, overwhelming and difficult?

It’s a big and extremely important job, and one where we need all the help we can get. Whether that help comes from family and friends, child health professionals, books or even websites such as Rewardingkids.com, it all counts, right? If we can get it right (or mostly right), I believe we give our children every opportunity to become well-adjusted, valuable members of society.

I’ve told plenty of people before that parenting is the one of the most important responsibilities one can have, and have more than once been told to not be so “over-dramatic”. But think about it, our children grow up to become leaders, workers, teachers, innovators, healers, scientists, parents…and custodians of our planet and our future. And after them, their children. It sounds dramatic but it is how it is. Thinking along these lines can really bring home the importance of good and positive parenting.

Being a better parent starts with the desire to be a better parent. Then follows structure and strategy. I hope you find something of value throughout this website. Good luck.

Who said parenting was meant to be easy…It isn’t! Truth is parenting can be hard, challenging, heart wrenching, difficult, demoralizing, overwhelming and tiring…… But also wonderful, heart warming, joyous, awe-inspiring, satisfying and enlightening. The art of positive parenting is to foster a positive family environment where we spend more time feeling buoyant rather than demoralized, and where we can empower our children to be self-sufficient, independent and responsible. Why not tip the family balance toward wonderful and satisfying and away from difficult and demoralizing.

Sure there will be plenty of difficult moments, but when we choose to parent with love, respect, positive reinforcement, and yes, positive discipline, we can help guide our children in their choices and their patterns of behavior. Parenting should never be about making kids feel bad about themselves, but rather about allowing our kids to do good…to do right…to make mistakes without fear of ridicule or retribution…and to feel good about themselves and the choices they make.

The base concept of positive parenting

• Children will ultimately respond better to positive consequences.
• Behavior is either strengthened or weakened by it’s consequences.

Having an understanding of these proven and measurable behavioral principles allows parents to shape behavior positively, to encourage better behavior and choices, and to lessen inappropriate behavior.

Isn’t positive parenting just a cliché?

No. It’s a very real parenting choice we make that can better our children, improve their outlook and behavior, enhance our relationships with our children, and can make us feel better and more confident in our role as parents. And remember, positive parenting isn’t about raising perfect children – that just won’t happen. I like to think about it as percolating our kids in a nurturing and supportive environment, to raise good kids to become good adults.

There are many principles, strategies and tools to help guide us in our positive parenting endeavors, many of which can be found throughout this website. The concepts are simple, the practice quickly becomes natural, and the benefits for you and your children can be amazing. All that is required is the desire to be a better parent, and the consistency to make it work.

Many parents (me included) fall into the habit of noticing our child’s bad behavior long before noticing their good behavior. It’s understandable…it’s probably how our parents dealt with us, and to be perfectly honest it’s the bad behavior that really pushes our buttons. It’s almost as if parents are programed to home in on bad behavior.

Maybe there’s a better way. Maybe it requires a paradigm shift in the way our parenting brain functions. What if, to change bad behavior, we don’t take notice of it? Taking the argument one step further, what if to change bad behavior, we notice the good behavior?

If we can challenge ourselves as parents, to change this up (in other words to notice the good behavior, and ease up on noticing the bad behavior), we may just find ourselves amazed at the regularity of the good behaviors and actions that our kids show.

How do we notice these good behaviors?

• The obvious first. Simply spend more time watching your kids.This doesn’t mean that we need to sit and watch our kids for hours on end, but taking time out to observe your kids doing what kids do, can give us some great insights into how our children occupy themselves and how they interact with others. This in turn can give us some great opportunities to really focus on the positive behaviors that our children exhibit.

• Be prepared to let bad behavior slide.Now this is a real challenge to most parents, but try to surrender your impulse to pick your kid up on every bad, inappropriate, or contrary behavior. This is not to say that you should completely ignore highly offensive or even dangerous behavior, but give your kids the space to turn around their behavior, and make their “wrong”…”right”

• Motivate yourself.Find the motivation to look for the good behaviors. Set yourself a goal of recognizing and acknowledging a certain number of good actions your child takes part in, or good deeds they do, or kind words they say. If finding the right motivation in times of struggle is proving difficult, offer yourself a reward. A favorite ice-cream at the end of the day can work wonders. You may even be unexpectedly charmed by the behaviors your child exhibits which can often be rewarding in and of itself.

Being a parent requires that we should notice the bad, inappropriate, or even dangerous behaviors in our children. Let’s face it that’s our job, and it fuels the responsibility we have to guide our children. But while it can be exceedingly easy to highlight bad behavior, it can also be exceedingly easy the ignore the good behavior.

Why?…Because bad behavior is inherently more noticeable. It’s usually louder, more brass, ruder, cruder, more problematic, and definitely more disruptive. On the other hand good behavior can all too often slip by unnoticed. It may be politeness, spontaneous acts of kindness, sharing in quiet times of play, showing respect for another’s property, a kind word to a friend, or some other act of thoughtfulness. Often these are quiet, almost introspective acts, and can very easily slip away unrecognized.

It’s in these moments that we can truly connect with our kids, and offer them a differently delivered guidance, but guidance nonetheless.

The way that I see it is that we need to be balanced in how we respond to our kids. If we so easily admonish a child for speaking badly, then we should make every effort to acknowledge them for speaking kindly.

I once read (and I think I have remembered correctly) that it takes seven positive comments to a child, to counteract one bad or critical comment. With this in mind it would seem more important then ever to notice the good behaviors in our children. It’s an extremely powerful action we can take as parents, and the results in terms of less bad behavior, more positive behavior, and greater levels of self-esteem in our children can be stunning.

It seems that the use of timeout for disciplining children has become an “in vogue” parenting method, particularly over the last five to ten years. Actually I believe that the timeout method has been with us for much, much longer. I can certainly remember as a child, my parents telling me to “go to your room”, and my parents have told me of their suffering the same fate at the hands of my grandparents. I think it’s quite possible that similar methods of disciple may go back many generations.

What is Timeout?

At its basic, timeout is when we remove children from a situation where they have behaved badly, inappropriately, or dangerously, and place them in a neutral area for a predetermined period of time. They then have a chance to calm down and re-establish control, before re-entering the situation.

The underlying principle of timeout is to take away the element of reinforcement for a set period of time.

Using Timeout Effectively

Establishing the timeout area – This area should be able to be accessed easily, and where your child can be easily monitored. Usually a neutral location with minimal distractions works best. Bedrooms or playrooms where there are toys, book and games would be counterproductive to the principle of timeout, while the kitchen, dining room or hallway would be more likely effective. Placing your child on a chair in such a room is a perfect timeout area.

The amount of time for time out – As a guide, 1 minute per year of the child’s age should be spent in time out. Generally these shorter amounts of time allow the child to calm down, reflect on the reason why they’re in timeout, and before their minds starts to wonder and redirect away from the actual timeout.

The behaviors to target – If you are targeting certain problem behaviors it’s good to let your child know what will “earn” him or her timeout. For example if your child has been making a habit with hitting, then let him know you’re on the lookout for that behavior and if it happens then it’s straight to timeout. Of course your child should be aware that any bad behavior might earn timeout. (remembering that children at a younger developmental level may not know which behaviors are “bad” or inappropriate. In this case educate rather than discipline)

Why Use Timeout?

• Timeout is an effective strategy to stop unwanted behaviors.
• Removes your child from a situation where they may have lost control of themselves, and helps them to calm down and regain control.
• Time out allows your child to reflect on their bad behavior.
• Helps us parents to establish and maintain control.
• Using timeout for children is a much healthier way of disciplining your child (as opposed to spanking or verbal berating).
• Timeout allows your child to re-enter a situation in a positive way.
• Gives us parents a blueprint for how we will handle bad behavior.
• Your child learns to associate their bad behavior to their timeout, rather than blame you for putting them there.

Timeout Procedures

• When you send your child to timeout, state clearly the reason for the timeout. Don’t enter into any further discussion.
• Decide ahead of time the behaviors that will result in a time out.
• Don’t discuss the bad behavior after the time out, rather look for opportunities to reward and reinforce good behavior later on.
• During timeout, your child should not be talking, and you shouldn’t be communicating with them at all.
• He or she should not be allowed to play with toys, to listen to the stereo, watch TV, or bang on the furniture.

There are many tools and strategies that we can use to shape or modify our child’s behavior. As you browse our website you will come across many of these, but one of the most powerful strategies is taking advantage of what is known as observational learning (also commonly known as social learning or modeling). As a concept it involves participating and exhibiting those behaviors we want our children to exhibit.

The Power of Observational Learning

• Observational Learning takes advantage of a child’s natural observational skills, their curiosity, their innate desire to please, and their basic “humanness” in their social connection.
• Possibly the most powerful strategy in modifying or shaping behavior.
• A child naturally observes and models the behaviors of those closest to them. For example a child who constantly observes politeness and kindness in their parents, and how others respond positively to it, is more likely to exhibit these behaviors. Likewise a child who constantly witnesses yelling and bullying in those closest to them are more likely to take on these behaviors when dealing with others.
• Observational Learning takes place automatically. Good or bad, children will learn from the example they witness, particularly from those closest to them. As a parent, your behavior will be the most influential example your child has, particularly while they are younger. Make it a good, strong and positive example.

Setting a positive example for our children to follow, is particularly important at an early age. It’s at this stage of a child’s development that they are most exclusively attached to our social connection (parent/child).

As children grow older, they are exposed to larger social connections and take their behavioral cues from a much wider social group. As your child grows older, particularly approaching and during adolescence, the influence of the examples you set will become less important. Understand that this is also a normal part of growing up and is related to a child’s need to establish their independence.

In practice observational learning as it applies to children, can be one of the most simple parenting strategies and at the same time one of the most difficult. While a seemingly simple process, as any parent knows, at times this would be an extremely difficult principle to follow. Our human nature dictates that we are not perfect as people and we are certainly not perfect as parents, but having an awareness of this concept will make us better parents, more often.

Remember, above all else, and with every effort, set a constant and positive example.

From a very early age, children learn the associations between behaviors and consequences. The strategy of positive reinforcement is simply to utilize these associations to shape behavior by providing our children with pleasant consequences for engaging in desired behavior.

Creating an environment of positive reinforcement

• There are many ways to acknowledge good/appropriate behaviors such as by using praise and encouragement, or by using behavior management tools such as reward charts, token economies, behavior contracts and certificates.
• Create a positive learning atmosphere around your child. Guide them toward appropriate behaviors by reinforcing their good behaviors. Recognize their efforts. Respond to their attempts.
• Ignore their bad or inappropriate behaviors (remember attention is a powerful motivator for children. If you constantly “tell off” your child you are in effect rewarding them with your attention and it is likely that the unwanted behaviors will continue.)

Why use positive reinforcement?

• Positive reinforcement allows our children to feel good about themselves.
• The strategy of positive reinforcement with children is a valuable, effective, and credentialed method of shaping behavior and is used extensively throughout the specialist childhood services, including mental health, medicine and education.
• Positive reinforcement is an accepted and healthy strategy to shape behavior. You are not relying on physical or verbal punishment for short-term compliance.
• The practice of making our kids feel good about themselves rather than bad about themselves, creates a very powerful foundation for our children’s’ positive self-image. This can follow them through childhood, into adolescence, and into adulthood.
• As a strategy to resolve bad or inappropriate behaviors, positive reinforcement, used consistently, is effective for promoting long-term behavioral change. It is not a quick fix solution, and it is not restricted to just short-term gain.
• Utilizing the approach of positive reinforcement, encourages us to be on the lookout for good behavior. Often we overlook desired behaviors because they are not troublesome, and we respond more often to undesired behaviors. Positive reinforcement allows us parents to “catch” ourselves when we fall into this pattern.

Behavior modification is an easy concept to grasp, but it tends to be much more difficult to actually put behavior modification techniques into practice. Actually to be more accurate, I should add that it can be much more difficult to effectively put these techniques into action.

For example using the method of timeout as a technique for behavior modification is very easy to implement. ie. a child misbehaves and the parent sends them to their room for 15 minutes. In theory this is correct in that the child has been removed from a situation following bad behavior, and placed in a timeout area for a particular amount of time. In practice however, the effectiveness of this behavior modification technique will be diminished because the timeout has been poorly strategized and implemented (In this example a child’s room is filled with distractions and stimulation’s, and 15 minutes is way too long).

Behavior modification techniques such as timeout, positive discipline, modeling, loss of privileges, positive reinforcement and so on, are only as effective as we allow them to be. Parents need knowledge, consistency, support and patience to make such techniques work effectively. Often this is where the difficulty comes into beginning and maintaining such plans and techniques.

Having the desire to correct bad behavior in a healthy and positive way is a great starting point. The articles below (based on various behavior modification techniques) can hopefully give you some insights and tips to make the process as effective as possible.

Because the use of our reward charts within a positive reinforcement framework requires praising children constantly and frequently, it is important to consider the quality and appropriateness of the praise given.

Here are some tips for praising children which may be useful:

• Most importantly avoid the opposite of praise – criticism. Criticism, particularly hurtful criticism, is no help to your child and damages your relationship.

• Try to praise the behavior, not the child – children tend to think in definite terms rather than abstract, so a child might readily think of themselves as “good” or “bad” depending on whether they have behaved well or behaved poorly. This can contribute to lowering a child’s self-esteem

• Praise is very rewarding in itself and can be a valuable behavior shaping tool.

• When praising children try to make it specific – it shows that you are taking notice.

• Children need praise and it is very important to acknowledge a child’s efforts, but try not to overdo it. You don’t want your child seeking your approval and applause for every little thing they do.

• Praise genuinely – praising children can lose its power if you constantly shower acclaim on usual and expected behavior.

• If you overdo praise, or gush over every small thing, or make up fake kudos, your child will see through them and may start to question even genuine praise.

• Sometimes it may be more appropriate to simply use acknowledgment such as a wink, a smile, eye-contact, a nod etc – it is more of a dispassionate praise that can help shape how a child pleases themselves rather than perform for approval.

• If you are praising children genuinely and appropriately you will avoid “over praising”, remembering that you don’t want to raise praise “junkies”.

• Whenever you can, try to turn the praise back toward your child. For example rather than saying you’re proud of her (which is perfectly fine), you might say “I bet you’re proud of yourself”. This can help develop you child’s internal motivations.

• Be “present” for your child when praising children. Get down on their level and make eye-contact.

• Give praise immediately after good behavior.

• Take notice – there are many genuinely praiseworthy moments in our child’s life that we simply miss.

• Most importantly avoid the opposite of praise – criticism. The power of praising children can easily be undone by the power of criticism.