The general strategy for using a kids reward chart is to award a sticker to be placed on the chart when your child has displayed a desired behavior, completed a certain task or chore, or when your instructions have been followed.

For example you might have an agreement with your child that are awarded a sticker when their dirty clothes go in the wash basket rather than on the floor, or it may be that they earn a sticker when they use their manners at the dinner table and ask to be excused when they’ve finished their meal.

And so it goes until they have achieved a full chart of stickers. That’s the typical milestone or goal of a kids reward chart. However, an alternative approach using the same reward chart can also prove to be particularly effective.

Now before we get into this, I must restate (as I have in other areas of this website) that using a kids reward chart is generally considered to be a tool for positive reinforcement. So with this in mind my aim as a parent would be to shower attention on the desired behaviors and ignore the unwanted behaviors. It may be that a child receives a sticker for using a “quiet” voice for resolving an argument, and their attempt at resolving an argument by yelling is completely ignored. In time, a child will grasp the concept that yelling won’t work to achieve the outcome that they want.

Kids Reward Chart: Alternative Steps To Take

This process works fantastically well with kids reward charts, and if it’s working well with your child, or if it fits well with your parenting philosophies…Great! Continue using this approach. However, for those parents who want to change things up a little, or who want to add a different “twist” to the reward chart concept, then this approach to using a kids chart might be worth considering.

• As with any reward chart, establish with your children, the target behaviors and aims of the chart.

• Set up a time limit that the kids reward chart will last, such as a day, a week etc.

• Establish different reward values for the number of stickers. For example a full kids chart of stickers would gain the maximum reward value, a half full chart would equate to
  a half reward, and obviously an empty reward chart would mean no reward given.

• Start the reward chart challenge by filling the kids reward chart with the reward stickers. When your child reneges on the reward chart agreement, then simply remove one of the stickers.

• Continue with this pattern for the duration of the reward chart time-limit, and then reward your child according to the number of stickers left on the chart. (Lots of stickers remaining…good, not many or no stickers remaining…not so good!)

• As an example, if we are considering a 10 sticker reward chart, then retaining all 10 stickers might earn a DVD night, and each sticker lost might earn a corresponding lesser reward. This ensures that it is still a positive experience for your child rather than a demoralizing one.

• If you choose to try out this alternative approach to using a kids reward chart, continue to take on the role of encouraging your child. A conversation might go something like this, “you’ve lost a sticker but I can see you’re trying hard. You’ve still got xx number of stickers, and we can try another chart tomorrow/next week.”

As you can see this approach relies not on the principle of earning stickers to achieve a desired reward, but rather on having the end reward in their grasp, and retaining or losing the reward based on how they choose to behave. In many ways this approach to using a reward chart is more based on the principles related to a child learning about “consequences”…Behave well, reap the rewards. Choose to behave badly, suffer the consequences. (This of course is a very simple illustration. In practice there are many dynamics involved in the lesson of “consequences”)

Using a reward chart in this way is better suited to an older child (early to mid school-aged) rather than a toddler. A toddler is less developmentally able to understand the underlying concepts.

It should also be remembered that using a kids reward chart in this manner should be achievable, motivational, and should still be a positive experience for your kids. Taking stickers away from children should never be about beating them down. Rather it should be about your child learning to control their behavior, choose appropriate behaviors, and stick to their agreements, all  within a positive parenting framework.

Note: Our Rewarding Kids Token Economy System uses these principles very effectively.

I get a lot of great feedback from parents who have put a reward chart into practice. Most of these parents have been using either my paid reward chart packages or my free reward charts, but many comments have also been from parents who have made and implemented their own charts (Well done!).

Positive feedback is always welcome and it’s fantastic to know that many parents are getting good results from using reward charts with their kids. However it would be remiss of me not to mention that I also receive my fair share of not so positive comments (which believe it or not, I also welcome).

Usually these comments are along the lines of:

“Johnny got bored with it”
“I got bored with it”
“Sara’s behavior wasn’t getting any better”
“I kept on forgetting to award the sticker”
“Freddy kept on asking for bigger and better rewards”
“Kate’s bad behavior is continuing”
……. and so on.

Mostly this feedback echoes the sentiment “The reward charts did not work so I stopped using them.”

These are the same issues that I faced when I started using reward charts. What I came to realize back then, and I still understand today, is that to properly implement a reward chart system (or any other positive parenting strategy) requires your absolute commitment upfront. There shouldn’t be any “I’ll try it and see if it works…” Kids will see through that and part of the magic (and potential) will be lost.

Part of this commitment is knowing how to best implement the reward chart to best suit your child. Some kids will feed off your excitement and your energy and they will be on-board from the get-go. Other kids might be a bit more skeptical and standoffish. It’s how you approach the reward chart implementation while keeping in mind the different personality types that can greatly improve the chances of reward chart success.

Some Considerations For the Success of a Reward Chart

• A reward chart is NOT a magic bullet solution to bad behavior.

• Reward charts just may not work with some kids…that’s OK…there’s plenty of other positive parenting strategies out there that will work for our children!

• Try to achieve the mindset that a reward chart isn’t a solution, rather a tool that can help in behavior change goals.

• Often us parents are the cause of an unsuccessful  reward chart…often we are just too half-hearted (lack of commitment) and our naturally perceptive kids pick up on that.

• Be open to the guidance that can be found in the reward chart rules and principles.

• And importantly, be persistent, but if the reward charts are just not working, try something else….there’s no real “DO THIS/DO THAT” set of rules when it comes to positive parenting.

In my eyes being a truly positive parent means creating a loving, healthy, safe, and positive environment, where kids get to see and feel the results of their good behavior and conversely get to see and feel the results of their bad behavior…Within this environment find what works for you and your child. If it’s using reward charts…Great! if it’s using some other techniques…Great also!

However, give it the best shot to make your reward chart work…be positive, committed, and let your kids see this. If you can change YOUR mindset (and sometimes this only needs to be a slight change) then you might find that reward charts will give you the fantastic result you were wishing for.

Rewarding kids can be a contentious issue. Some argue that handing out kids rewards for either performing tasks that should otherwise be expected, or to get your kids to do something, is tantamount to bribery or even encourages materialism. Others (including myself) strongly argue that offering rewards for kids to perform certain chores, to stop certain behaviors, or to encourage new and better behaviors, is an effective parenting tool (of course following established rules, and being appropriate with the kids rewards you offer).

The truth is that both sides of the argument has merit. It’s true that we need to regulate how we reward our children to prevent falling into the realm of “bribery”, as it is also true that offering kids rewards using a structured reward plan, is both effective and ethical.

For those parents who have those very legitimate concerns that rewarding kids can often equate to bribery, and also for those parents whose reward plans such as using reward charts, sometimes pushes into that grey area between bribery and rewarding kids, here are some guides to prevent bribery and prevent the issue of materialism:

Kids Rewards: Practices to Prevent Materialism

• Only hand over the agreed reward after the task has been completed, or the behavior has been followed.

• Choose and offer kids rewards that aren’t materialistic at heart. For example extra story or play time, or a trip to the beach etc.

• Consider using larger kids rewards or more generous rewards for those problems that you know will require a very big effort from your child. This may be a behavior or habit that is very hard to give up or very uncomfortable to carry out. For example thumb sucking, wearing glasses in class despite teasing, or forgoing time with their friends to go to out-of-school tutoring.

• Don’t forget that you should be considered a reward for your kids as well. Your time and attention can be an extremely powerful motivator and one that should never be underestimated, especially for younger children. Offer your time for games, activities, story telling, camping, fishing, picnicking, baking a cake, etc.

Being sensible about the kids rewards you offer, how you administer the reward process, and recognizing that a parents time and attention can be rewarding in and of itself, can help to avoid the slippery slope of materialism and bribery.

This is particularly true for those parents who are still skeptical about the process of handing over anything that could be considered a material reward. For those on this side of the argument, a reward plan will work just as well (some might suggest better) by offering only non-material rewards for kids. Always keep in mind that a well designed reward plan will be flexible enough to allow for all strategies for establishing kids rewards.

Using reward charts or other positive reinforcement tools, can be extremely effective. They allow for a child to be involved in the entire process of establishing a reward plan, and can include deciding what behavior goals to target, what will be the rewards on offer and how the reward chart will be designed and displayed. This is a powerful way to approach using a reward chart or other similar strategies (for example behavior contracts and using a token economy), because it gives your child a sense of ownership over the process….and this acts as a great motivator.

It must also be said that a reward chart also gives a child a perfect opportunity to really “see” their behavior from a different angle and how those behaviors relate to the goal of the reward chart. Simply, it gives them a chance to focus on their behavior.

Similarly reward charts give parents the opportunity to actively look for good, better or more appropriate behaviors and to acknowledge them appropriately. This is particularly important when we consider that these behaviors are usually more subtle and less obtrusive as compared with the brashness of bad behavior.

Reward Charts as a Cure-for-All??

So, reward charts are powerful?….Yes!

Reward charts are a creative approach to behavior change?….Yes!

Reward charts allow for children to self examine, actively appraise, and to moderate their behavior?..Yes!

Reward charts can inspire kids to “do better”, and for parents to “look for better”….Well, yes!

Reward charts can be the perfect conduit for any behavior change?…Well…No.

Let me explain…

Some types of behavior, or habits, or even when you are attempting to introduce more appropriate behaviors, are perfectly suited for using a reward chart. For example brushing teeth, feeding the dog every afternoon, packing away toys, being ready for school at a certain time each morning, are all illustrative of behavior that can easily be measured, accomplished and duly rewarded. Most of us would perhaps consider such goals as very achievable, especially with the added incentive of a reward chart.

However sometimes a certain behavior can be so ingrained and so deep-seated that whatever incentive a reward chart can offer is very quickly extinguished when a child keeps hitting those invisible “barriers”.  And sometimes children are sophisticated enough to have that deep-down recognition that they can’t change a behavior that has been with them for so long. Or even that they are being asked to do something that to them may seem so far away, so unattainable. And to make things even more difficult, these are usually things that a child will want to change.

Using a reward chart in these situations may require a bit more of a long-term approach. The reward chart can be used to progress a part way along the behavior change path. Using this approach a child has the opportunity to experience the positives of achieving a goal without the demoralizing set-back of failing to achieve an unrealistic behavior change goal.

For example a child who is habitually aggressive toward their siblings, might respond well to the goal of limiting their aggressive outbursts, rather than attempting to eradicate the behavior completely in one reward chart attempt. Using a series of reward charts over a period of weeks or months, with each designed to take a further step toward eliminating the aggressive behavior, might achieve a much greater and more permanent result.

Hopefully I have established that reward charts are a fantastically effective behavior modification tool, and they can be so much fun for both children and parents alike. They can be highly adaptive, and can be used in a multitude of different situations and environments, targeting a wide variety of behaviors and behavior change goals.

However in some situations, with some children, their effectiveness can be diminished according to the strength of the “barriers” to any positive behavior change. Sometimes these children can be coaxed along the path to changing particularly ingrained or contrary behavior, one small step, one small accomplishment at a time…which can be simply fantastic!

Remember, reward charts should NEVER be considered the panacea for all bad behavior, nor for all contrary behavior, or even for changing all unhealthy habits. They are a TOOL that parents can use, amongst an arsenal of tools that a parent should have at their disposal. And here I don’t just mean products, items, and behavior change tools, but also other positive parenting approaches such as modeling good behavior (observational learning), positive praise, positive discipline, love, caring and empathy.

Always keep in mind that sometimes a child will require professional help to empower them to break those ingrained, damaging, destructive, or inhibiting behaviors or habits. Recognizing these may require not only our own understanding and knowledge of our child, but also by getting input from their teachers, family doctors, baby-sitters, and other family members.

One of the most accurate things that I’ve ever heard anyone say about parenting is that it is “one huge, incredible roller-coaster!” It really is such an up and down, day-to-day existence that is influenced by everything from TV and popular culture, through to peers and friends, through to financial, health and economic situations. Lets not make any bones about it, parenting is difficult….and incredible.

How can parenting be so wonderful, fantastic, uplifting, rewarding, fun, awe-inspiring, exhilarating….and at the same time so depressing, challenging, crushing, heart-wrenching, overwhelming and difficult?

It’s a big and extremely important job, and one where we need all the help we can get. Whether that help comes from family and friends, child health professionals, books or even websites such as Rewardingkids.com, it all counts, right? If we can get it right (or mostly right), I believe we give our children every opportunity to become well-adjusted, valuable members of society.

I’ve told plenty of people before that parenting is the one of the most important responsibilities one can have, and have more than once been told to not be so “over-dramatic”. But think about it, our children grow up to become leaders, workers, teachers, innovators, healers, scientists, parents…and custodians of our planet and our future. And after them, their children. It sounds dramatic but it is how it is. Thinking along these lines can really bring home the importance of good and positive parenting.

Being a better parent starts with the desire to be a better parent. Then follows structure and strategy. I hope you find something of value throughout this website. Good luck.

Who said parenting was meant to be easy…It isn’t! Truth is parenting can be hard, challenging, heart wrenching, difficult, demoralizing, overwhelming and tiring…… But also wonderful, heart warming, joyous, awe-inspiring, satisfying and enlightening. The art of positive parenting is to foster a positive family environment where we spend more time feeling buoyant rather than demoralized, and where we can empower our children to be self-sufficient, independent and responsible. Why not tip the family balance toward wonderful and satisfying and away from difficult and demoralizing.

Sure there will be plenty of difficult moments, but when we choose to parent with love, respect, positive reinforcement, and yes, positive discipline, we can help guide our children in their choices and their patterns of behavior. Parenting should never be about making kids feel bad about themselves, but rather about allowing our kids to do good…to do right…to make mistakes without fear of ridicule or retribution…and to feel good about themselves and the choices they make.

The base concept of positive parenting

• Children will ultimately respond better to positive consequences.
• Behavior is either strengthened or weakened by it’s consequences.

Having an understanding of these proven and measurable behavioral principles allows parents to shape behavior positively, to encourage better behavior and choices, and to lessen inappropriate behavior.

Isn’t positive parenting just a cliché?

No. It’s a very real parenting choice we make that can better our children, improve their outlook and behavior, enhance our relationships with our children, and can make us feel better and more confident in our role as parents. And remember, positive parenting isn’t about raising perfect children – that just won’t happen. I like to think about it as percolating our kids in a nurturing and supportive environment, to raise good kids to become good adults.

There are many principles, strategies and tools to help guide us in our positive parenting endeavors, many of which can be found throughout this website. The concepts are simple, the practice quickly becomes natural, and the benefits for you and your children can be amazing. All that is required is the desire to be a better parent, and the consistency to make it work.

Many parents (me included) fall into the habit of noticing our child’s bad behavior long before noticing their good behavior. It’s understandable…it’s probably how our parents dealt with us, and to be perfectly honest it’s the bad behavior that really pushes our buttons. It’s almost as if parents are programed to home in on bad behavior.

Maybe there’s a better way. Maybe it requires a paradigm shift in the way our parenting brain functions. What if, to change bad behavior, we don’t take notice of it? Taking the argument one step further, what if to change bad behavior, we notice the good behavior?

If we can challenge ourselves as parents, to change this up (in other words to notice the good behavior, and ease up on noticing the bad behavior), we may just find ourselves amazed at the regularity of the good behaviors and actions that our kids show.

How do we notice these good behaviors?

• The obvious first. Simply spend more time watching your kids.This doesn’t mean that we need to sit and watch our kids for hours on end, but taking time out to observe your kids doing what kids do, can give us some great insights into how our children occupy themselves and how they interact with others. This in turn can give us some great opportunities to really focus on the positive behaviors that our children exhibit.

• Be prepared to let bad behavior slide.Now this is a real challenge to most parents, but try to surrender your impulse to pick your kid up on every bad, inappropriate, or contrary behavior. This is not to say that you should completely ignore highly offensive or even dangerous behavior, but give your kids the space to turn around their behavior, and make their “wrong”…”right”

• Motivate yourself.Find the motivation to look for the good behaviors. Set yourself a goal of recognizing and acknowledging a certain number of good actions your child takes part in, or good deeds they do, or kind words they say. If finding the right motivation in times of struggle is proving difficult, offer yourself a reward. A favorite ice-cream at the end of the day can work wonders. You may even be unexpectedly charmed by the behaviors your child exhibits which can often be rewarding in and of itself.

Being a parent requires that we should notice the bad, inappropriate, or even dangerous behaviors in our children. Let’s face it that’s our job, and it fuels the responsibility we have to guide our children. But while it can be exceedingly easy to highlight bad behavior, it can also be exceedingly easy the ignore the good behavior.

Why?…Because bad behavior is inherently more noticeable. It’s usually louder, more brass, ruder, cruder, more problematic, and definitely more disruptive. On the other hand good behavior can all too often slip by unnoticed. It may be politeness, spontaneous acts of kindness, sharing in quiet times of play, showing respect for another’s property, a kind word to a friend, or some other act of thoughtfulness. Often these are quiet, almost introspective acts, and can very easily slip away unrecognized.

It’s in these moments that we can truly connect with our kids, and offer them a differently delivered guidance, but guidance nonetheless.

The way that I see it is that we need to be balanced in how we respond to our kids. If we so easily admonish a child for speaking badly, then we should make every effort to acknowledge them for speaking kindly.

I once read (and I think I have remembered correctly) that it takes seven positive comments to a child, to counteract one bad or critical comment. With this in mind it would seem more important then ever to notice the good behaviors in our children. It’s an extremely powerful action we can take as parents, and the results in terms of less bad behavior, more positive behavior, and greater levels of self-esteem in our children can be stunning.

Many parents use reward charts as a fun way to keep their child’s behavior in check, and have done so over a period of time, while other parents start with a reward chart as a last resort when their child’s behavior has become intolerable.

However it is that you came to the decision to start using reward charts for your children, rest assured that it can be an effective behavior change tool when used fairly and diligently, and more than likely you come into the reward plan with some behavior change goals in mind.

Maybe you’re at your wits end with a child who refuses to eat, or another who has bedtime issues, or maybe you just want a parenting tool which can help you gently encourage your child toward more appropriate behaviors.

An important element of successfully using reward charts for children is to have behavior change goals set in place BEFORE the reward chart has started. The behavior change that you wish to target when using reward charts might be obvious in the case of a poor eater or a bedtime tyrant, but outside of a few common behavior issues such as these, many of us might be challenged to find a significant number of behavior change goals that can be targeting with a reward chart.

Sometimes you can find inspiration by watching your own child’s bad behavior, or good behavior you wish to encourage, or even by observing the interaction between your child and others, or by recognizing traits in others that you would like your child to follow.

Examples of Behavior Change Goals When Using Reward Charts:

• using manners
• going to bed without hassles at bedtime
• using tissues rather than your sleeve
• sharing with friends
• brushing teeth
• eating all your dinner
• allowing others to go first
• getting dressed quickly
• picking up toys and clothes
• reduce whining
• no more thumb sucking or nail biting
• no arguments at bath-time
• controlling tantrums
• not interrupting when others are speaking
• completing homework on time
• completing chores
• no more fighting with brothers or sisters
• showing kindness to others
• getting ready for school on time
• helping when not asked
• respecting the property of others
• ……….

Of course this list of behavior goals could just about be infinite, and you’ll notice that it includes not only behaviors that you want to get rid of, but also those positive behaviors you want to encourage. The list of behaviors that you come up with for use with your reward charts will be specific to your child, but might include many of the examples given above.

Also if you think back to the reward chart rules, you’ll remember that it’s best to only target one or two behavior change goals at a time, otherwise you run the risk of overwhelming your child and lessening the chances of success with the reward charts.

Using reward charts to encourage behavior change in our children can be a highly effective behavior change tool, but what happens when the reward charts lose their power, or they stop working? Or what if the the reward charts never really started working for your child in the first place? What course of action should be taken when this happens?

Firstly lets look at some of the reason why the reward charts might not be working or why they might be loosing their effectiveness.

Why the Reward Charts Might Not be Working

• Your child might simply be too young to start with such a reward plan: Using a reward chart requires your child to have a handle on a few fundamentals such as patience, the difference between “now” and “later”, self control, and delaying their gratification. When these things are lacking the effectiveness of the reward chart will be limited.

• The reward isn’t enticing enough: The kick-start to the reward chart is the motivation your child has in wanting to complete the behavior chart. Of course the main aim of a reward chart is to tap into your child’s “inner motivation”, but that’s a developing process. To effectively start and maintain a reward plan your child needs to desire the reward.

• The behavior is too hard for your child to change at the moment: Sometimes your behavior change expectations are too high. Your child might be too young, they might be affected by other things happening in their life (starting school, new baby in the house, divorce etc), or other tensions in the house which may be preventing the reward chart working to it’s full effect. Dealing with these underlying feeling first will help the reward plan. Sometimes setting the bar a little lower might also be considered.

• Not everyone is consistent with the reward plan: Could it be that other adults and care-givers in your child’s life aren’t completely on the same page when it come to administering the rewards chart? If you’re being consistent with your expectations, praise, and rewarding but some other significant adult isn’t, then the full effect of using reward charts will not be realized.

• You’re trying to stop or change behaviors that others are performing: It’s unlikely that you child will stick with the reward plan for very long if others are doing what they’re meant to stop. For example are they expected to stop hitting if their older sibling hits, or do they stop using inappropriate language if Dad let’s a few expletives slip around them?

• Your child is attached to your response to their bad behavior: This can be a tough concept to grasp, but often a child becomes attached to negative attention. It can easily become their “pay-off”. It stems from the concept that any attention given from a parent is an extremely powerful motivator.

• Your child’s personality might be a factor: Some kids hate the feeling of being “controlled”, and might consider a reward plan an attempt to control them. It’s true that using reward charts are in some ways an attempt of controlling our kids – for example “if you stop doing that then I’ll give you this”. The trick is to enhance your child’s Independence throughout the whole process. Put the control firmly back in their hands, then it becomes “their” decision to stick with the reward plan and reap the benefits.

Our next article will deal with ways of troubleshooting the reward charts when they don’t appear to be working and providing some example of how to get them back on track.

Have your children ever tried the old “but you said….” routine? I’m sure it’s a stock standard attempt for many children (including mine!) to manipulate us in some way, and I’m also sure that for many kids it has worked on occasion – let’s face it parents are mostly very busy people and it can happen that we occasionally forget what we actually did say, or sometimes we might even agree to something in a weak moment where we didn’t think it through.

In those situations it’s easy for us to “second-guess” ourselves when our children start with “but you said…” Usually this confrontation will either end up in us giving in to our child or having an argument with our child about what we may or may not have said!…This is where a well thought out Behavior Contract may come in handy.

Bring on the Behavior Contract

When a behavior contract is implemented a set of expected behaviors or goals are clearly stated, along with any associated rewards. As soon as you hear the words “but you said…” you can simply pull out the contract and refer to it together (avoiding the smugness you may feel ).

An example that may sound familiar to many might go something like this:

“..but you said if I do my homework tonight we can have take-out” and when you both refer to the behavior contract it might actually state “if you do your homework every night this week, we can have take-out on the week-end”.

Hopefully this is where the argument will end. Especially if you both initially set up the behavior contract with a good spirit and intent. You’ve both signed off on the particulars of the contract, you both are willing to hold each other to their obligations of the contract, and you’ve taken the effort to make the whole process of setting up the behavior contract feel “important”.

Sure your child might become sullen when you pull out the contract and show where they’re wrong in their assertion “but you said…”, but if you do it without the “I told you so” attitude and maybe with some gentle encouragement, they will soon stop.

After all you’ve entrusted them with the responsibility of formulating, negotiating and signing an “official” document. In those moments where arguments are brewing, remind your children of this, remind them of their reward, and offer them your positive encouragement.

By treating similar situations in such a way, using a behavior contract really can reduce arguments.